Dear A. Vanilla,
If I fuck myself with a cucumber, then realize it’s a bit old, will I get food poisoning?
Sincerely, Blondest of the Blondes
P.S. Also, why do those damn Jello shots make me lose my mind???
Dear B of the B’s,
I’m afraid that your fears of getting food poisoning from… (gulp)… “fucking”… an old cucumber are a bit overblown. Realistically, there are only two ways that you could get food poisoning from an old cucumber:
1) If you eat the cucumber after you fuck it.
2) If the cucumber was given to you by an Evil Stepmother.
Of course, there are still other problems that can arise from fucking an old cucumber.
First off, don’t feel bad. You are not the first young woman to discover that her cucumber is old only after she has fucked it. In fact, over 50% of cucumbers lie about their age on their profile. This will inevitably lead people to talk behind your back, saying such things as: “Look at that hot young girl with that old cucumber… That cucumber must have a lot of money.”
But if you can see past the age difference, and the sex is good, then I say go for it! Fuck that old cucumber!… Just don’t eat it afterwards or you will get horrible food poisoning.
As for your post-scripted question about why Jello Shots make you lose your mind: Jello is made from Gelatin, which is a translucent brittle solid substance created by prolonged boiling of bovine skin, bones and connective tissue. Your loss of your mental faculties when you have Jello Shots is either due to Mad Cow Disease, or a massive amount of vodka. It’s impossible to be sure since both might make you crazy enough to have sex with vegetables.
Sincerely Yours,
Humble Genius
Dear A. Vanilla,
I find myself wondering where all my underwear went? I used to own them, and I even wore them (crazy, I know) occasionally. Are they hiding with all my missing socks? And if so, where do I find my missing socks?
Dear Pantiless,
If I had a dime for every time someone asked me this question, I’d have exactly $13.22. How did I get $13.22 using only dimes? Well, if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me that, I’d be a Milli-Vanilla-naire!
In order to properly answer your question, I must first examine the phraseology you chose to use in asking it. You said: “Are they hiding with all my missing socks?” My dear Pantiless, I believe you revealed more than you meant to when you posed this question. When an article of clothing unexpectedly disappears, most people will assume that it has either been misplaced, stolen, mistakenly donated to the Salvation Army, or fallen behind the washer.
However, it seems that you are already well aware that none of these fates have befallen your socks. As you willingly stated yourself: Your socks are actually hiding from you.
In the 8th Century BC, the ancient Greeks began to wear fur & animal skins on their feet. This was done as a tribute to “Soccus”, the god of “Accidentally stepping on things”. Soccus was known far wide as the most timid of all the Greek gods. This was probably due to the fact that his roommate was “Shaticus” the god of “Not picking up after your dog”. It is said that all one had to do was yell, “Erethay isway omethingsay ehindbay ouyay” and Soccus would go running for the hills. The Greeks thus coined the term “Scare your Soccus off”.
Over the centuries, the fur and animal skins have evolved into cotton and elastic. But the instincts of the sock still remain. They are the most easily frightened of all apparel. This explains why socks go missing so often… they flee out of fear. Undoubtedly, your socks have fled, probably via the Underground Sock Railroad to freedom.
As for your underwear… Underwear is not easily frightened. In fact, underwear are probably subjected to more gruesome sights than all other clothing combined. Underwear is however, very impressionable. A pair of underwear will believe almost anything you tell it. Go ahead, try telling your panties that the sky is orange. Do your panties try and correct you?… I thought so.
If you’ve ever kept your underwear and socks in the same drawer or hamper, it is only logical to conclude that your undies fell pray to your sock’s “fear-based” propaganda.
I’d suggest that from now on you keep your underwear with your pants. After all, there is a reason the Greeks coined the term “Charm your Pantus off”.
Sincerely Yours,
Humble Genius
Arthur Vanilla was born and raised in New Haven, Connecticut. His uptight parents went to great lengths to avoid ever explaining the birds and the bees to him. Arthur fainted the first time he saw a naked woman... in a magazine... he was eighteen. Arthur majored in philosophy at an Ivy League University, where he somehow managed to lose his virginity while simultaneously crying and drifting in and out of consciousness. While he has since learned to remain mostly conscious during sex, he always keeps the lights off just to be safe. |
