Dear A. Vanilla,
Should I be concerned that my friends sometimes tease me about being a “metrosexual”?
Sincerely,
Dear Mike,
Years ago the National Bullies Coalition funded a series of experiments gauging the effects of teasing in adolescent lab rats. It was discovered that physical scarring that resulted from teasing rats was minimal to none; Especially when compared to the massive bone fractures that sticks and stones caused (proven in an earlier study). In fact, many of the rats who were most mercilessly teased by the scientists eventually ended up starting multimillion dollar tech companies and dating all the hottest rats, while the scientists themselves have mostly ended up working as middle-school P.E. teachers.
So simply being teased about being a metrosexual is nothing you should be too concerned about… Actually BEING a metrosexual however, is something you should be extremely concerned about!!!
When I began writing for Kasidie.com I was suddenly introduced to a world of very foreign sexual concepts and ideas, many of which I find bizarre, perplexing or downright frightening! – Swapping? Doggie-Style? The Clitoris? – These are all things I never knew existed! I’ve really tried not to be judgmental about other people’s weird sexual fetishes… If someone wants to have sex with the lights on, that’s their business, no matter how wacky I think that sounds… But A. Vanilla must draw the line at metrosexuality!
Sexual attraction to the public subway system is extremely dangerous business for everyone involved! Metrosexuals like yourself are putting your lives and the lives commuters in jeopardy every time you attempt to satisfy your carnal desires. Ejaculating on the third rail is only one of the hundreds of ways that subway-humping could kill you! Sure, many of us have fantasized about having sex with public transportation… Some of us may have even experimented in our youth, rubbing up against our school busses when nobody was looking… So shiny… So yellow… But with time and therapy we all grow out of that phase!
I strongly urge that you and all other practicing metrosexuals seek counseling. Perhaps your local church has anti-metrosexuality program that could help you repress these desires and live a normal, wholesome life… But for the love of God, JUST WALK THERE!
Sincerely Yours,
Humble Genius
Dear A. Vanilla,
I recently ran across a website for a female owned swinger club that said it was for “Bisexual Women Only, No Men Allowed”. If there are no men allowed, is this really a swinger club? Wouldn’t this be considered a lesbian club?
Dear Kate,
I talked to the research department for Kasidie.com’s club listings and I believe I found the club that you are referring to. It’s called “Bi-Women, By Women, Bye Men” (Not to be confused with Buy Women, By Women (By M.E.N.) which is a female owned brothel conveniently located next to Murray’s Electronics Nook.)
I contacted the owner of the club (not the brothel) and relayed your question. Here is a transcript of our conversation.
Vanilla: Isn’t your club just a lesbian club?
Club Owner: Lesbian?! No! We don’t allow men or lesbians in our club. Only bisexual women.
Vanilla: But wouldn’t bisexual women want to have women and men in the club?
Club Owner: No, we don’t allow the type of bisexual women who like women and men. Only the type that like women and women.
Vanilla: I see. Well thank you for clearing that up… Now, can you tell me the best way to get to Murray’s Electronics Nook?
Sincerely Yours,
Humble Genius
Arthur Vanilla was born and raised in New Haven, Connecticut. His uptight parents went to great lengths to avoid ever explaining the birds and the bees to him. Arthur fainted the first time he saw a naked woman... in a magazine... he was eighteen. Arthur majored in philosophy at an Ivy League University, where he somehow managed to lose his virginity while simultaneously crying and drifting in and out of consciousness. While he has since learned to remain mostly conscious during sex, he always keeps the lights off just to be safe. |
