You finally get the chance to take out just about the hottest couple you know, and of course, you will take them somewhere nice. Unfortunately, ‘nice’ usually means the waiter is going to hand you a wine list at some point. You hope to impress them with your sommelier-like knowledge, but unfortunately you know diddily about grape juice. Here is a quick guide to faking it and ordering a bottle to impress.

To begin, the girls love bubbly. Start with sparkling wine. If you can splurge, get a bottle of Champagne, and by the way, if it’s from the Champagne region of France, it will be named “Champagne” – everyone else in the world has to call it “sparkling wine”. Some examples of good, mid-priced, fairly ubiquitous champagnes are Moet and Chandon, Perrier-Jouet, and Verve Clicquot. These can be had for between $40 and $60 a bottle. There are more expensive examples that are tasty, like Taittenger, but if you can find any of the above on a wine list, you will do just fine. However, if you are on a budget, order a glass or a “split”. That is a smaller bottle, containing about one and a half glasses. Just try to find something from France, or pick a higher-priced American or Australian version. If the glass or the split is less than ten dollars, you may want to skip it altogether. Cheap sparkling wine is better off in a mimosa.

Okay, so everything is going well. What is everyone ordering? Is it chicken or fish? Pork with a light or creamy sauce? Then your best bet is a white wine. Some people will tell you that it doesn’t matter what you are eating with what you drink, but that is just crazy talk! Those people probably don’t have taste buds. A simple rule that you can follow is: “Red with red; White with white”. Trust me, there are many exceptions to this rule, but you don’t know anything about wine and you are not here for a lecture, thus I am keeping this brief. A safe choice to remember is Pinot Grigio. It is everywhere and everyone loves it. There are many styles of Pinot Grigio, but they all tend follow a pattern. Dry, crisp and it goes great with just about everything. If your dates claim they only like Piesporter or Reisling, then let out a sigh of relief, because that means they are equally clueless. If they seem to know their stuff about wine and want a Chardonnay, then ask the server for a Chardonnay from the central coast of California. These wines are not too oaky, not too buttery and not too overwhelming. Another bonus is that the central coast Chardonnays are less expensive than their Napa Valley sisters, which are general over-oaked anyway. Also keep in mind that if your friends don’t want champagne to start, you can order either of these whites for hors d’oeuvres.

But wait… What if you order beef, tuna or something else with the look of blood? Thanks to the movie Sideways, Pinot Noir is now everywhere and thus easy to find. Pinot Noir is a red wine for all dishes. The best Pinot Noirs are from France and Oregon these days. In France, they call their wines by the place where the grapes are grown, which in Pinot Noir’s case is “Burgundy”. So if you want to sound really smart, ask the server for a Burgundy and hope they don’t have more than one. Likewise with the Oregon wine. Usually the French Pinot Noir is pricier than the American Pinot Noir. Now, if you want to seem so super-cool that you definitely make their night memorable, ask for a Chateauneuf-du-Pape (Shat-ohnoof dew pop). It is exquisite and goes really well with steaks or game. It’s from the south of France, along the Rhone River, blending thirteen different grapes into a red-colored ambrosia. They’ll be blown away, and probably a little tipsy.

On the other hand, you could just give the wine list to the other couple and try to impress them with your knowledge of fantasy football instead.