Dear Kasidie,
My husband and I have been together for 6 years and are raising a family. The recent idea to try swinging is the result of a sudden burst of honesty and openness within my relationship. I had long been suspicious of my husband having fantasies about men. I had confronted him several times before, but it was always in an aggressive manner since I felt he was keeping things from me. He always denied it… Although I suppose he was being truthful since the question I always asked was “Are you gay?” not “are you bisexual?” He has now admitted to me that his very first sexual experience was oral sex with a man. He has always experienced a lot of anxiety with his relationships and with women. He says his most exciting sexual experiences have been with men, however he has never wanted a romantic relationship with a man. My question is: Is it possible for my husband to have true romantic and loving feelings for me and also have such erotic fantasies about men? Will I end up feeling left out of a MFM threesome if the guys are so in to each other?
Sincerely,
Dear Boys on the Side,
Congratulations on the sudden burst of honesty and openness in your marriage. Some couples never get that far after sixty years.
There are many issues for me to address in your question. While I’m pleased that you are open-minded enough to discuss the idea of swinging with your husband, it doesn’t sound like you are fully comfortable with it yet. Regardless of sexual preferences, if either member is having doubts about swinging – STOP! – Talk, talk, and talk some more before continuing another step.
One of my concerns is that nowhere in your question did you mention YOU wanting to swing. Don’t do this if you are only doing it for your husband while causing yourself grief. That’s a surefire way to destroy a marriage. Happy, healthy, swinging couples in the lifestyle share the eroticism of the experiences they have. Nobody should ever enter a sexual experience they are uncomfortable with simply to indulge their spouse. If you plan to watching your husband play with another man, you should only do it if it is something you will also enjoy.
It is absolutely possible for your husband to have romantic and loving feelings towards you while simultaneously having erotic fantasies about men. One of the defining tenets of the swinging lifestyle is the understanding that sex and love are two entirely separate entities. However, not every person is capable of making this crucial separation. These sexual issues aside, do you have any other reason to doubt your husband’s love for you? If so, you may be looking at a larger issue. You may want to see a couples therapist about these issues so you don’t put your relationship or family at risk.
That being said, if you do move forward, take baby steps. If you are concerned about feeling “left out” during a MFM threesome, then I strongly suggest that you DON’T have a threesome. The number of people involved the vast majority of sexual encounters that occur in the lifestyle is usually divisible by 2. One of the reasons that the swinging lifestyle consists mainly of couples is because of the security it offers. While somewhat scarce, other couples with bisexual men do exist in the lifestyle. Perhaps you should contact some of them and foster some friendships first. Flirt, go out for drinks, move at a comfortable pace. If things ever do progress to the bedroom, you can feel confident that at the end of the night everyone will be going home with their respective loving spouses. Perhaps the reason you only considered a MFM threesome is because you yourself are not bisexual and therefore have no interest in playing with a female? That’s ok. Many lifestyle couples only indulge in Girl/Girl play, where straight men simply enjoy watching their wives play with each other but don’t interact themselves… So, who says it can’t work the other way around too?
Dear Kasidie,
My wife and I are thinking of having a threesome with a willing single girlfriend of ours. The only issue holding us back is that my wife is afraid of hurting our relationship with our friend. We are new to the lifestyle, but do not seem to have any problems with any of the encounters we have had so far, and we are still as good or better friends with the people we have been with. Are my wife’s fears legitimate? What can we do to make sure our relationship does not suffer with our friend?
Dear Mingles,
The fear of ruining a friendship is always “legitimate” – That is to say; It’s good that you are considering these issues before simply jumping into bed with your friend.
It’s impossible for me to tell you definitively what a threesome with this girlfriend would do to your relationship with her… I don’t know the girl, nor do I know you or your wife. A threesome might devastate your friendship… On the other hand, it might also make you closer than ever! I’ve seen both situations happen… As well as every outcome in between. There are no “cut and dry” situations in the swinging lifestyle. It really all comes down to individual personalities and good communication.
Does this girl have any previous experience in the swinging lifestyle or with threesomes? If so, how did that go? It might be a good gauge of thing to come. Really, the best thing to do is to talk openly with this girl about your concerns. She’ll appreciate your candor and may even tell you that she was having some of the same concerns. All relationships in the lifestyle require honesty and communication to succeed.
Hopefully this will work out for you and you’ll end up turning a close friend into an even closer friend with benefits. If after talking openly with her you come to realize that it’s not worth the risk, then consider yourselves lucky that you retained a friend.
A good orgasm lasts only a few seconds… But a good friend can last a lifetime!
