Dear A. Vanilla,
What is “Scopulating?”
Sincerely,
Dear Triple J,
I see that someone has been reading my resume. How very flattering!
Scopulating (short for “Safe Copulating”) is a love-making technique that I, Arthur Vanilla, devised several years ago and published in my book: Sex Tips for Squeamish People. I’m pleased to say that scopulating has been praised by NOT ME (National Organization of Timid Moral Elitists) as being the “Safest Sex Technique Ever Invented”. They have even lobbied congress to fund a multi-million dollar program to teach scopulating in public schools, in an effort to keep our children from being traumatized by the more icky type of sexual education.
Here’s is a brief explanation of how to scopulate:
So next time you feel those carnal urges, there’s no need to go mashing your genitalia together with other people’s genitalia. Just try scopulating instead. It’s easy, it’s fun, and best of all, you don’t even need another person!
Sincerely Yours,
Humble Genius
P.S. Although NOT ME does consider scopulating to be a preferable alternative to conventional sexual intercourse, they do not endorse doing it in public. Scopulating is still a shameful act and should only be practiced in the privacy of your own home… After you are married.
Dear A. Vanilla,
I am a musical fanatic. I am also a sex fanatic. I ask you, why isn’t there more musical porn?
Dear Swinging in the Rain,
While I’m not interested by sexual pornography, I am an avid musical aficionado. So while I don’t own any pornographic films, I do have an extensive collection of soundtracks from them. Some of the songs and musical arrangements are really quite breathtaking… especially the climaxes.
Here is a list of the pornographic films of which I’ve purchased the musical soundtracks.
Pokelahoma
Little Shop of Whores
Debbie Does Broadway
Cherry Poppins
All That Jizz
Yankee Doodle Randy
The Sound of Spooging
Chitty Chitty Gang Bang
The Phantom of the Orifice
The King and I and Ron Jeremy
Jesus Christ Pornstar
Seven Brides for Seven Brides
White (And Sticky) Christmas
A Core-Ass Line
Hello Sex Dolly!
Hump Your Wagon
The Jizz Singer
Dr. Do-me-a-little
The Pro-Douchers
Anything Goes… Into My Ass
Annie Get Your Gape
Diddler On The Roof
Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Deep Throat
Taint Misbehavin’
A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Orgy
Repeatedly Upon A Mattress
Damn Spankees
Spermalot
The Pirates of Penny’s Ass
You’re A Hung Man, Charlie Brown
Grease
Hopefully some of these films will provide you with the “Musicbatory” experience you desire.
Sincerely Yours,
Humble Genius
Arthur Vanilla was born and raised in New Haven, Connecticut. His uptight parents went to great lengths to avoid ever explaining the birds and the bees to him. Arthur fainted the first time he saw a naked woman... in a magazine... he was eighteen. Arthur majored in philosophy at an Ivy League University, where he somehow managed to lose his virginity while simultaneously crying and drifting in and out of consciousness. While he has since learned to remain mostly conscious during sex, he always keeps the lights off just to be safe. |
