Dear A. Vanilla,
I am quite adventurous in bed and have given or received many of the known sexual acts…such as the Donkey Punch, the Rusty Trombone and the Rodeo Fuck. Can you suggest any others that I may not have heard of?
Sincerely,
Dear D. Sanchez,
Be careful what you wish for. There are a number of sexual acts that exist in this world which you have undoubtedly never heard of… and with good reason! These sexual acts are exceedingly complex and extremely dangerous! Here are just a few…
Bedtime for Banzai
You and your partner smear your bodies with bananas and have sex while a bi-polar colobus monkey with a machete sleeps in an armchair nearby. The orgasmic high achieved from the mixture of fear and potassium is said to be very powerful.
The Merry Pop-In
Pour a spoonful of sugar into a condom then have sex with a delightful chimney-sweep. This sex act has been known to cause penile diabetes and black lung.
Kosher Porking
Convert to Orthodox Judaism. Then have sex through a hole in a sheet that has been woven out of strips of bacon. Two out of five people who attempt this sex act die of overwhelming guilt.
For your own safety I urge you not to try any of these sex acts. In fact, I urge you not to even read my preceding descriptions of these sex acts. Might I suggest sticking to a safe sexual act such as the Missionary Position… Or the even safer Super Missionary Position.
Sincerely Yours,
Humble Genius
Dear A. Vanilla
what size do women want to satisfy themselves (panis) thank you
dear (reader)
You may’ve noticed that I’ve greeted you in your native dialect as I have deduced from your question’s phraseology that you are obviously a member of the Parentiti Tribe; A fascinating and polite culture which doesn’t believe in capitalizing letters, proper sentence structure, signing their names, or the use of any punctuation (other than parentheses).
Panis, or (panis) is the Latin word for bread, or (bread). While almost any woman will tell you that they love bread, not all of them can eat an entire loaf. Of course there are a few self-proclaimed “Baguette Queens” who love to stuff themselves full of wheat. But in the end, it really depends how many carbs a woman allows in her diet. There are plenty of different (panis) sizes for every woman’s taste, from a Dark Pumpernickel, to a Jewish Challah, to an English Muffin.
Of course, there are some women who prefer pie.
——————-,
————– Humble Genius
Arthur Vanilla was born and raised in New Haven, Connecticut. His uptight parents went to great lengths to avoid ever explaining the birds and the bees to him. Arthur fainted the first time he saw a naked woman... in a magazine... he was eighteen. Arthur majored in philosophy at an Ivy League University, where he somehow managed to lose his virginity while simultaneously crying and drifting in and out of consciousness. While he has since learned to remain mostly conscious during sex, he always keeps the lights off just to be safe. |
