Dear A. Vanilla,
What is the origin of the word “Swinger”?
Sincerely,
Dear J.S.,
Many people may think that the term derives from the from Proto Germanic word Swenganan,meaning “to fling oneself”… probably onto another person. While I can understand how some less educated people might make that connection, it is not the true origin of the term used by those in the swinging lifestyle.
Others believe that it derives from the German word Schwingen, meaning “to oscillate in a violent circulatory motion” I can only assume that a typical orgy situation involves a lot of oscillating violent circulatory motions… I wouldn’t know since I’ve made a point of avoiding any and all social situations that I felt might have even the remotest chance of turning into an orgy. This includes hot tubs, office parties, group hugs, crowded elevators, crowded escalators, ferry boats, and any board games that require more than two people to play.
Getting back to your question, to understand the real origin of the term “swinger” one must look a the etymology of the word itself. “Swinger” is a compound word, comprised of two smaller words:SW and INGER. “S.W.” is an acronym for “Shipping Weight” and “Inger” refers to “a member of western Finnish people formerly living in the Baltic province where Saint Petersburg was built.”
In 1917 there was a mass migration of these western Finnish people from Russia. They didn’t agree with Lenin’s new communist government and decided to smuggle themselves into the United States inside a series of shipping containers. The voyage was long and tedious. But the western Finnish are a very resourceful people and had the foresight to bring plenty of fun board games along for everyone to pass the time… this inevitably led to a great number of orgies breaking out in these shipping containers. So that is how the shipping weight of a western Finnish orgy (or the “S.W.” of “INGERS”) became synonymous with today’s modern perverts.
Sincerely Yours,
Humble Genius
Dear A. Vanilla,
Why do I find myself sexually attracted to women with tattoos?
Dear Tatty Matty,
Your sexual attraction to tattooed women can probably be attributed to a condition called Tableauphilia, which is a strong desire to be physically intimate with paintings. Your condition can probably be traced back to something that happened during your childhood. For example, was your bedroom decorated with an excessive amount of Georgia O’Keefe paintings at the time you were reaching puberty? O’Keefe’s artwork has also been linked to a growing number of girls experimenting with Tableausbianism.
A tableauphile such as yourself can live a fairly normal and happy life as long as he keeps his canvas humping urges under control. Pouring turpentine down your pants has been proven to be a semi-successful treatment.
Lastly, it is worth noting that if you ever live within five miles of a museum or art gallery, you are legally required to register as a sex offender.
Sincerely Yours,
Humble Genius
Arthur Vanilla was born and raised in New Haven, Connecticut. His uptight parents went to great lengths to avoid ever explaining the birds and the bees to him. Arthur fainted the first time he saw a naked woman... in a magazine... he was eighteen. Arthur majored in philosophy at an Ivy League University, where he somehow managed to lose his virginity while simultaneously crying and drifting in and out of consciousness. While he has since learned to remain mostly conscious during sex, he always keeps the lights off just to be safe. |
