Dear Kasidie,
Are overweight women/men accepted/played with at a Swingers’ get togethers or places like Hedo?
Sincerely,
Dear Sweetgrass,
One could say the same rules apply “in here” as they do “out there”: Water finds its own level. In other words, if a person or couple has fit bodies themselves, they will usually be attracted to similar types. Working out may even come up in conversation as a way of admiration or flirting, “Hey, your ass is great. You must work out.” Men may discuss a particular work out regimen, or sports they play. Women may joke around about a particular motivator, such as the dieting they did getting ready for Hedo, or how important it was to shed off their winter weight in order to prepare for bikini season.
Lifestylers on the whole are some of the most accepting and open-minded people out there. But let’s be honest, the sexual side of the lifestyle is usually based on physical attraction. Is it likely that a couple who looks like they pose for Maxim Magazine going to play with a couple who are overweight?… Probably not. But there are plenty of wonderful and attractive people in the Lifestyle who don’t look like supermodels. So the important question here is whether you are comfortable attending Swingers’ get togethers and going to places like Hedo as someone who is overweight. I’ve been to Hedo and I can guarantee, that you would meet people of all different body types. Ultimately, you have to be comfortable in your own skin. If you are, you will find someone else who’s comfortable in your skin too (wink-wink).
Dear Kasidie,
We are relatively new to the Lifestyle and consider ourselves “soft swap”. However we have some friends who are more advanced in the Lifestyle. We regularly have get-togethers at our home or nights out with these couples. Recently at a get-together we were invited into the bedroom by some of our best friends, who happen to be “full swap”. I wanted to join this couple as I am very attracted to both of them (especially the female). My boyfriend got upset with me and wanted me to join him in the living room where the rest of the guests were socializing. There was inexplicable tension between us immediately and it took us weeks to communicate what happened and where we misunderstood each other. Ultimately it left me really confused. My boyfriend has always maintained that one of the reasons that he loves me is because I’ve been open-minded enough to get into the Lifestyle with him. But now it seems like he feels that I’m too open minded, and I feel he’s holding us both back. Do you have any advice for how to handle this?
Dear Newbie,
Let me start by saying that people’s fears in the Lifestyle usually aren’t related to what is actually happening, but rather what they imagine might happen. You and your partner share many things in common… including a fear of losing each other. Remember that. The fear of losing someone you love is everyone’s greatest motivator in a relationship regardless of whether they are in the Lifestyle or not.
Consider it a compliment that your partner fears losing you! Embrace it even, as it is much better for him to be selfish with you then him taking advantage of you being there (which is something we all try to avoid). Newbies to the Lifestyle often get so caught up in sharing their fantasies with their partner, they completely forget to explain their fears as well. That’s like lighting off a bunch of amazing fireworks in the house, without first checking to make sure you have a working fire extinguisher… Ultimately the more your partner feels secure with his relationship with you, the easier it will be for him to trust you when an unexpected situation comes up.
This is a process. If you talk to anyone who has been in the Lifestyle for several years they will assure you it didn’t happen overnight. You may decide eventually that you are ready to become “full swap”. You may decide as a couple to stay where you are, but it is a decision that you need to make as a couple.
