Dear Kasidie,
I have had a desire to get involved in swinging for some time now. Over the last few years my wife and I have been “testing” the waters when it comes to swinging. We have been to mostly public swing clubs and a couple of large parties where we could blend into the crowd. To this point we have been wall flowers just observing.
Every time we leave we talk about what happened and my wife always has the same ending comment which is, “I didn’t find it all that arousing because there wasn’t anyone I was interested in.” That translates to me as ‘I am okay with swinging. We just need to find the right couple’. My fear is that when we do jump in to the water, she loves it, and I don’t. And then I am the one feeling pressure to get more involved in swinging when I was the one that brought it up! So is it ever fair to say in your relationship “I know you really like it but I don’t, so we have to stop now”?
Sincerely,
Dear Cautiously Concerned,
Let’s pretend you want to buy a Harley Davidson Softail Heritage Classic. You have wanted one ever since you were a kid and your Uncle pulled his up on your parent’s driveway for the first time. Now you stop by the dealership twice weekly; you have your favorite color picked out, and all the extra’s to go along with the style you desire. You can envision the day when you pick up your motorcycle after waiting months for it to be finished, but what stands in the way of this dream being fulfilled is your wife’s wish for the two of you putting enough money away to pay for it in full.
Let’s also say that you finally get your Harley home after dreaming about it your entire life and after loving the idea of it, and it then sits in your garage for the next 8 years collecting dust because you forgot to ask your wife what it meant when she said it was okay if you bought it, and she doesn’t want to go on rides with you.
I recognize that a Harley is not only an emotional investment, but a financial investment, so the two comparisons are not exactly the same. However, I would like to point out that the issues and conflict, as well as your fears and how you choose to handle them with your wife are rather the same.
How you handle your introduction to the Lifestyle with your wife is a very emotional process, full of honest discussion. In order for you to remain successful in and out of the lifestyle, my best advice is to fight your impulses of keeping your fears to yourself. Your wife is your partner, and by describing your concerns to her it will only draw the two of you closer. It might also add a new dimension to your relationship as a whole and further define her interests in the Lifestyle, which seem rather vague up until now (as do yours).
It sounds to me like the two of you need a better “Game Plan”. As with any big decision that the two of you make together, you will feel much better if you are both on the same page, holding hands the entire way through. You both seem to be fumbling around in the dark until something grabs you. You both need to be holding the flashlight together.
As far as it being okay for you to call it quits when you have reached a critical limit, albeit far from me to judge, but I believe the love your wife has for you will always come before any relationship she ever will have outside of the one with you.
Dear Kasidie,
For a couple just starting in the Lifestyle, what tips would you give? What discussions need to be had, questions raised? In short, how do you know if you are ready or not?
Dear Brand New,
Welcome!!!! First of all, my best advice would be a lot of communication between yourself and your partner. Discussing fantasies might be a good ice breaker for the two of you to get started on this journey. Just like with any big decision together, you want to be really clear on what you both want, and do not want for your self and each other. You also want to know what your expectations are and also what you are both comfortable with together. That may seem like a lot to discuss, or even an overwhelming process, but I assure you it is well worth putting the time in! These discussions between you and you partner will keep you both on the same page and make sure there are no misunderstandings later on.
Remember you and your partner are a team, and you will not survive the jealousy and selfishness associated with bringing other relationships into your own if you are not honest with each other. Being in the Lifestyle takes practice: sometimes you get it right, sometimes either of you pushes a boundary that makes the other uncomfortable and you end up hurt, disappointed, or angry. This is also where the communication comes in and helps tremendously.
In response to your last question, I don’t know that there is ever a point in your relationship where you are “ready”. Pretend the two of you are about to have a baby, are you ever truly “ready”? Careful planning and research helps in most cases with any new chapter in your life, but ultimately you have to jump in if it is something you both want. Take your time once you have made a decision, talk a lot about what is happening, and be careful to monitor everyone’s feelings every step of the way, not just your own! Be supportive when your partner has reached their limits in your relationship, don’t be pushy, listen attentively, and ultimately learn how to love each other better. If you get it right with each other couples will find you attractive and want to spend time with you both. If there is something amiss, not only will you know it, but so will everyone around you. Good Luck!
