Dear A. Vanilla,

I was watching the 2008 Beijing Olympics with a friend and he mentioned that many athletes abstain from sex before they compete because it increases their performance. Is there any truth to this? Can not having sex really make you a better athlete?

Sincerely,
Sexerciser

 

Dear Ms. Sexerciser,

There has been a lot of debate among sports scholars about the benefits of pro athletes abstaining from sex in order to temporarily increase such attributes as strength, speed, agility, hand-eye coordination, reflexes, lung capacity and horniness. The reason that there has long been a debate over this theory, is that it had never actually been properly tested.

Pro athletes simply have way too much sex. In fact, the only reason anyone on this planet plays sports at all is because they know it will eventually get them laid. If you take away the motivation of sex, every pro athlete would quickly come to realize that spending their time doing things like jumping around in silly outfits and throwing balls all over the place is an utter waste of everybody’s time.

While there are some pro athletes who claim they will abstain from sex before a game, they usually mean that they will refrain from having any sex while the national anthem is being sung… For most pro athletes, that is considered an eternity of abstinence.

For many years sports scientists have attempted to prove the “Abstinent Super Athlete Theory,” but were always foiled by what became known as the “Pro Athlete Sex Paradox” (illustrated below).

In order to break free of this paradox, they needed to find a candidate who was so naturally sexually unappealing that no matter how much he excelled in competition, nobody on earth would ever find him attractive enough to sleep with. This year, at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, they finally found their chance when they discovered a hideous young swimmer by the name of Michael Phelps.

There was absolutely nothing physically attractive about this sleek, slender, 6-foot 4-inch tall, 23 year old with less than 5% body fat. Nobody in their right mind would want to have sex with that! Even before Michael Phelps competed in his first event, he could have easily won the gold medal for sexual frustration (an event which was abolished during the 1956 Olympics held in Melbourne Australia, due to the fact that it caused Australian Prime Minister, Sir Robert Gordon Menzies, to begin questioning his marriage).

Although every gold medal Michael Phelps won made him slightly more attractive to female spectators, their sexual interest in him never grew beyond, “He’s sort of okay if I squint” and “Does he maybe have a slightly less ugly brother?” As Phelps’ sexual frustration grew, he became more and more unstoppable in competition.

After his 7th gold medal, it is rumored that previous world record holder, Mark Spitz, attempted to send a dozen blind chinese prostitutes to Phelps’ hotel room. Unfortunately for Spitz, he didn’t want to pay the additional “seeing-eye Shar Pei fee,” so none of the prostitutes were able to find the hotel. Thus, Michael Phelps remained sexually frustrated enough to set a world record by winning an 8th gold medal.

So thanks to Michael Phelps and his uncanny ability to sexually repulse women, we finally have proof that not having sex does greatly improve your athletic ability.

Immediately after the closing ceremonies, frustrated from being the only athlete to be excluded from the traditional post-Olympic orgy, Phelps dove into the Yellow Sea and began swimming back across the globe to the United States. He even took the long way. Some meteorologists believe that the tropical warm waters of the mid-Atlantic, combined with Phelps’ extremely blue balls may have contributed to the creation of Hurricaine Gustav.

Sincerely Yours,
A. Vanilla, Humble Genius

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Arthur Vanilla was born and raised in New Haven, Connecticut. His uptight parents went to great lengths to avoid ever explaining the birds and the bees to him. Arthur fainted the first time he saw a naked woman... in a magazine... he was eighteen. Arthur majored in philosophy at an Ivy League University, where he somehow managed to lose his virginity while simultaneously crying and drifting in and out of consciousness. While he has since learned to remain mostly conscious during sex, he always keeps the lights off just to be safe.