Dear A. Vanilla,
Has anyone ever had sex in space?
Sincerely,
Dear Nick,
Since the dawn of man, when humans first craned our heads upward towards the cosmos, breathing in the vast infinite entirety of space and time, people have wondered,“How can I get laid up there?”
There is something inherently erotic about outer space. In fact, many of the advances and discoveries that have come from the study of outer space are nothing more than byproducts of our astro-lust. It’s a little known fact that Galileo originally created his telescope as nothing more than a helpful visual aid to stimulate his habit of chronically masturbating while stargazing. I’ll also add that Stephen Hawking’s original theories on “Big Bangs” and “Black Holes” referred to something entirely different than what we know them as now.
Ham the chimp in his specially designed “Space Masturbation Chair.”
It wasn’t until the mid 20th century that technology had advanced far enough to make our dreams of having an orgasm in outer space a potential reality. Before risking the lives or libidos of humans, scientists needed to find out “Was even possible to get aroused, or orgasm in space?” A sexual space race began between the United States and Russia in an attempt to send hornier and hornier animals into orbit. In 1946 the USA launched fruit flies into outer space. When they returned to Earth as Spanish flies, the mission was deemed a success. In 1957 Russia began launching dogs into outer space along with realistic replicas of their owner’s legs. In 1961 the USA launched a chimpanzee named “Ham” into orbit. Ham the chimp was selected for his overactive sex drive and was trained for several years at the Holloman Air Force Base Medical Laboratory in the art of self pleasure. The mission was an arousing success and the closest we had yet come to human masturbation in space.
In April of 1961, Americans were disheartened to learn that Russia had launched a human (Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin) into space. The sexual space race seemed lost… or was it? The Soviets had made a crucial mistake when they allowed Yuri’s mother say hello to him over the radio. After hearing his mother’s voice Yuri was unable to maintain his erection for the duration of his 108 minute flight.
23 days later, US astronaut Alan Shepard was the first human to complete a successful orbit and orgasm around the earth. His mother was not allowed anywhere near mission control. The following year, US astronaut John Glen completed three orbits around the Earth. Due to his rampant Asian fetish, he orgasmed each time he passed over China.
By this time most of the world was beginning to lose interest in these missions. Newspapers around the globe began running headlines such as “Outer Space is a Total Sausage Fest!” Attempting to appeal to the public, in 1963 the Soviets sent Valentina Tereshkova, Russia’s most multi-orgasmic woman, into orbit. She orbited the earth for 3 days, a total of 48 revolutions and a total of 3 orgasms. It’s important to note that while Valentina was indeed regarded as the most multi-orgasmic woman in the Soviet Union, she was still under obligation not to exceed the strict “one orgasm per day” ration imposed under communist law.
In 1961, events were set in motion to accomplish the next step in space sexploration… The Moon. Here is a direct quote from President Kennedy’s famous Moon speech delivered at Rice Stadium on September 12th, 1962. It includes some of more subtle gestures that he made, which may not have been noticed by many viewers.
“We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and (air quotes) “do” the (air quotes) “other things,” not because they are easy, but because they are (air quotes) “hard” (wink)…“
Kennedy proposed a joint program between the USA and the Soviet Union, by teaming up American astronauts with Russian mail order space brides. But the plan was ultimately rejected, mainly for fear that the women wouldn’t look anything like they did in their pictures.
In July of 1969, the United States successfully landed a manned craft on the moon. The accomplishment was bittersweet, since shortly before launch, all three astronauts were totally stood up by the dates that were supposed to go to the Moon with them. In an attempt to relieve their sexual frustration, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin went for a brisk walk. But they were obviously still hurt about being stood up, as anyone who heard the lesser known 2nd half of Neil Armstrong’s famous moonwalk quote could tell.
“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind… as for woman and womankind? They can all kiss my ass! Especially you, Shelly!“
We come a long way since the free loving attitudes of the 1960’s and NASA has since begun to mask it’s sexually motivated space launches behind the guise of less titillating experiments so as not to upset the nation’s growing conservative climate. There is very little on public record about the sexual exploits of the space program in the past 30 years. NASA will neither confirm or deny the success of two or more people engaging in space coitus. But bear in mind that NASA scientists have been responsible for inventing products like Astroglide Sexual Lubricant, Memory Foam Mattresses, and the Hitachi Wand (I’ll need to fact check that one). I’ve even heard rumor that a NASA scientist may have been responsible for inventing the ATM… no, not the cash machine. If the inventions that NASA scientists have been creating during these past 30 years are any indication, we can assume that both the space shuttle and international space station are non-stop orbiting orgies filled with members of the 220 Mile High Club.
Sincerely Yours,
Humble Genius
Arthur Vanilla was born and raised in New Haven, Connecticut. His uptight parents went to great lengths to avoid ever explaining the birds and the bees to him. Arthur fainted the first time he saw a naked woman... in a magazine... he was eighteen. Arthur majored in philosophy at an Ivy League University, where he somehow managed to lose his virginity while simultaneously crying and drifting in and out of consciousness. While he has since learned to remain mostly conscious during sex, he always keeps the lights off just to be safe. |
