Dear Kasidie,
I would love to know what your opinion is on the “no kissing” rule for some couples in the lifestyle. Do you think it is a ridiculous control and insecurity issue? My hubby and I have the no kissing rule because we feel that it’s something we can keep personal between us. Thanks a bunch!
Sincerely,
Dear Lip Locked,
There is no such thing as a ridiculous rule if it has been mutually agreed upon between the partners in a relationship. If you were to agree that your left ass cheeks were off limits to anyone outside your relationship… Then other swingers should respect that rule, no matter how odd they think it is or how badly they’d like to play with your left ass cheek. There is more than one reason that swingers refer to sexual contact as “play”. We view sex as a sort of game. Just like any game, there are specific rules to playing. This is part of what makes the swinging lifestyle work. Ideally, the rules of every sexual encounter between a group of individuals change every time someone is added or subtracted from the mix, because every individual brings their own personal set of rules that everyone else must respect and follow. Just a like in any game, if you don’t follow and respect the rules, nobody will want to play with you.
However, that being said…
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you are still fairly new to the swinging lifestyle. I’m assuming this because that’s the usually the only time that I ever hear of a couple having a “No Kissing Rule.” In fact, many years ago when I first dipped my toe into the lifestyle, my partner and I decided we’d have a no kissing rule too. Our reasoning was that we wanted to keep one physical act of intimacy as “sacred” between us. I think the idea appealed to us (as it does many other newbie couples) because if felt like we were still being somehow physically faithful, or even romantic with each other… while watching each other get our brains fucked out by other people.
Our kissing ban lasted approximately one party. As noble as the idea was, we decided it just wasn’t practical. It was too awkward to enforce and was too tempting to resist. I’ve known some couples whose kissing ban has lasted slightly longer; a few weeks, a couple months… But frankly, I’ve never met any couples who have successfully maintained a kissing ban and still remained active participants in the lifestyle community for any length of time.
Why don’t kissing bans usually last? While kissing is not technically a mandatory part of any sexual act, it’s usually pretty damn important to the experience. For many people (including myself), a good kiss is the #1 most arousing part of foreplay, and a very necessary step to getting someone into bed. When a newbie couple decides that they will fuck other people but not allow kissing, I honestly believe that they are subconsciously trying to sabotage their own swinging experience. Not only is it going to make it much more difficult and awkward for a non-kissing couple to seduce willing partners, but it will ensure that the sex with those partners will be slightly less satisfying than it would be otherwise. It’s kind of like purposefully only dining out at a mediocre restaurants, because you’re afraid that you might enjoy it more than the meals you eat at home.
So, do I think that not allowing kissing is linked to insecurities?… Yes, absolutely… But, that’s totally ok. There’s nothing wrong with having a no kissing rule, or any other rules, if you feel like you need that right now. We all have our insecurities. The important thing is to acknowledge them, address them, talk openly about them with your partner, and only when and if you are ready, overcome them. Only you can make these decisions. You should never ever feel bad for setting your own boundaries and taking things at your own speed.
Now, if you two are still in the lifestyle one year from now, will you please write me again and let me know how long your kissing ban lasted? We have an office pool going.
Dear Kasidie,
We’ve been interested in trying a threesome or even swinging, but no matter how hard we try we can’t find a good “break the ice” game. We’ve heard of various sexy variations of regular games, like strip poker, but we’re looking for something more intense. Can you help?
Dear Playful Pair,
This is the easiest question I’ve ever answered! Read our Kasidie Labs Playtest of “The Game”, which was featured in our September issue. I think you’ll be impressed.
Other than that, I don’t have much to add… But you know who might have some suggestions? Our resident humble genius, Arthur Vanilla. I’ll go ahead and submit this question to his Ask A. Vanilla column for this month.
