One of the biggest hurtles that a ‘new’ Lifestyle couple faces is best defined as ‘Opening a communication channel between each other’.  Let’s face facts…we can talk about the kids, our job, sports, and television because those are safe topics. In fact, if you look at your everyday conversation, you’ll find that these are the standard topics in a married life.  As a couple, these are the types of items that we are comfortable with because there is no emotional risk involved in the conversation.  However, when you start talking to your spouse about topics including, “I’d like to have sex with another person.”; I’d suspect that you might be treading on dangerous ground.  It’s like turning Helen Keller loose in a minefield…the eventual outcome just isn’t going to be pretty.  However, if you open the channels of communication, you’ll find that your relationship is richer and stronger for the effort.

  One of the ‘key’ components to open communication is learning the distinction between ‘what do you think’ and ‘what do you feel’.  These are two very different concepts when it comes to human beings.  ‘What do you think’ is asking the person to analyze the question, apply their personal knowledge and experience, and formulate a non-emotional objective answer in response.  ‘What do you feel’ asks the person to examine and verbally express their emotions.  

Here’s an example for you :   

Question - “What do you think about my dress?”
Answer – “It looks appropriate for an evening out together.”

Question – “How do you feel about my dress?”
Answer – “I’d have to say that is hideous and looks like something that wouldn’t be worn by a homeless person.”

  As a partner in conversation, you can (and often will) elicit different answers to the same question by changing ‘think’ to ‘feel’.  Now, it doesn’t mean that the person is hiding anything.  It just means that you have two very honest answers about the same topic.

  Carol and I conversed about our first ‘same room swap’ with another couple.  She asked me, “What did you think about the episode?”  I answered truthfully, “It was the hottest thing that I had ever seen.  You were completely ‘in the moment and came harder than I’ve ever seen.”  She swapped words and asked again a few minutes later, “How did you feel about the episode?”  I answered honestly, “I felt inadequate.  I was upset that couldn’t meet your needs like he did.”  As I noted earlier, similar questions eliciting different responses.  Emotions can and do conflict with logic.  You can easily have both attributes in conflict at any given moment.  Therefore, you seek out the conflict within while trying to find a common ground to resolve the issue. (And NO…thinking one way and feeling another doesn’t mean that you’re crazy…it just means that you are human.)

  Another ‘key’ component is the simple understanding that logic and emotions pull in opposition when we are in conversation.  When we argue, we are emotional creatures.  How many times have you been asked to ‘list’ problems when you’re in the heat of an argument?  It’s damn near impossible to do; because ‘creating a list’ is a logical process requiring a higher order of thought.  Emotions cloud logic.  However, if the conversation is maintained at a normal tone and with neutral emotions, you can discuss ‘hot button’ topics pertaining to your relationship.  Examining the emotion attached to an issue gives the emotion validity and credibility for the other person.

  I would offer the thought that you really shouldn’t hang an entire conversation about emotions on the word, “Why?”.  Trust me when I say that ‘Why’ is the most powerful word used in the English language.  “Why?” opens the door to explore their hidden thoughts and beliefs behind the emotion.  However, sometimes you’ll find yourself settling for an honest answer of “I don’t know.”  This is real life, not the movies, and everything isn’t always clean cut and easily resolved.  The situation which formulated the emotion may be hidden within the shadows of a childhood memory or it may be just that they simply don’t know why they feel that way about a topic.  Accept it as such and continue to move forward in your conversation.

  What is the third (3rd) ‘key’ to opening a clear channel of communication with your spouse?  As simple as the concept is, the answer is time.  You need to find time where you can both relax during uninterrupted conversation over the topic of the moment.  Trust me when I tell you that trying to have a conversation about exploring the ‘Lifestyle’ is not a conversation which you want interrupted by the duties of daily life, helping with homework, or preparing the evening meal.  It damn sure isn’t a conversation that you want to have over the telephone either….

  Let me back up a moment to cover the thought of ‘my wife and I talk on the telephone all the time’ as it relates to conversation.  It is scientifically proven that 75% of all communication between two people is ‘non-verbal’.  This idea is even more important when discussing emotional issues between two people.  I can say, “I think that’s a great idea.” over a telephone and have you believe me.  Yet, if I said the same statement and you could see a frown etched on my face; you would know that I was full of shit.  Here’s a tidbit…’Body Language’ is a visible involuntary response accompanying any statements and is always a truthful expression of underlying emotions.  You just watch to see if the statement and the accompanying gestures agree.  If not, trust the non-verbal communication because people lie with their words.

  If the observed behavior of your partner does not agree with the words, don’t accuse them of lying or deceit.  I always suggest making a simple statement of, “You appear uncomfortable with that thought…is that how you really feel about it?”  It’s a simple statement which allows them to backtrack a bit to explore the deeper emotions without feeling a personal accusation is involved.  You want your partner to feel free to shift and re-focus on both the logic and associated emotions within the conversation.

  If I could suggest the best scenario for any ‘lifestyle’ conversation, it would occur later in the evening when the kids have gone to bed on a Friday night.  The timing is very important because you don’t want telemarketers calling, you want to have additional hours available for the conversation, and there isn’t any ‘all important’ television program to be watched.  This is what you should call ‘our time’ and be damned selfish about preserving that one small interval of life for your relationship.

  The nice part about reserving ‘our time’ is that it becomes a lifelong habit for a couple.  Carol and I may chat about the ‘Lifestyle’ on an infrequent basis; yet, we take time later in the evening when we’re ‘off-duty’ to chat about many diverse topics relating to our marriage.  ‘Our time’ allows you to tune in on your partner’s needs or concerns while silently signaling ‘you are important to me’.  

  A 4th key to opening a communication channel is to be honest with yourself…a task which easier said than done.  We each maintain our own personal image of ‘Who I am’; yet this perception is not always shared with those closest to us.  A wise man once observed that a human is similar to a 4 pane window…one pane is the image of ourselves that we allow others see…one pane is the image that we see of ourselves that no one else sees…one pane is how others see us within their world…and the final pane is one that we share only with those closest to us.

  Our personal pane contains our fears, insecurities, and worries about life.  It’s the pane that is the most fragile and that we fear can be used against us by ‘others’.  Depending on the nature of our fear, we may never share what is hidden within with anyone.  However, if we choose to share ‘those secrets’, we find that our mates will often understand them…because they also happen to be ‘universal fears’ found in each person.  Unless you are a complete narcissist, you worry that someone is better than you in some area of your personal life.  You feel jealousy; even if it is tamped down into some dark corner of your mind.  You worry about your future with your mate.  Guess what?  They feel the same thing too.

  Offering a ‘hidden tidbit’ in an intimate conversation builds trust with your partner.  I have found myself saying, “You know…I’m not proud of it…but, at the last party, I felt a bit jealous of …..(insert situation) and I’m trying to figure out why it hit me that way.”  The odds favor that your partner has a similar event in their memory too.  It opens the door to explore the situation and involved emotions at a deeper level as a couple.   The underlying concept is that to earn trust, we must give and have trust in another person.

  This ‘intimate style’ conversation can easily lead to a deeper exploration of other situations, thoughts, and emotions between you as a couple.  Let me warn you…don’t try to bullshit your partner with a fictional situation.  They will see through it and lose trust in your words.  Be sincere and honest.  Intimate conversation isn’t a fishing trip for hidden information.  ‘Fishing’ and interrogating your partner will serve to only build defensive walls…not trust.  Keep the goal of ‘building open communication’ in the forefront of your mind at all times.

  As you can see, communication is an active process where you are required to pay attention to your partner and share information openly.  Communication isn’t easy; it’s a learned skill which improves with practice and effort.  Yet, if effort is expended, you’ll find your relationship evolves to a higher level of trust and personal insight for both parties.