I should probably note that many of the ‘items’ written to our lifestyle group fall well within the category of “Dear God, please don’t try this’ of advice about the Lifestyle.  Believe me when I say that we’ve made way too many mistakes along the way and hope to help the readers avoid a pitfall or two along their own path.  Such begins the tale of ‘Tony tries to refrain from early ejaculation.’

  As with many newly married couples, the sex was hot, steamy, and ended too soon for either of us.  Shall we say that I was a tad quick on the trigger?  However you might choose to view the situation, it was personally embarrassing for me and damned unsatisfying for Carol.  I tried all of the recommended solutions to no avail…and then a brainstorm occurred.

  I should preface the next part with ‘thinking you’re smart’ is worlds apart from ‘actually being smart’.  My subsequent actions qualified under the ‘thinking you’re smart’ category.  I had been a paramedic for several years and believed that I had a pretty good understanding of medicine. (‘Believed’ does not actually mean ‘know’)  Therefore, the topical application of Lidocaine gel made perfect sense to me as a method of ‘slowing the firing’.  Lidocaine acts to numb the tissue and dull sensation…seemed to be a fairly reasonable as a solution.

  My plan was to put a drop of the gel on the interior tip of the condom, give the medication a moment to work, and then hammer away.  Being a ‘guy’, I wasn’t going to share my thought about using the medication with Carol; it would be a surprise for my new that ‘Quick Draw McGraw’ had become ‘Slow Hand Luke’.

  Oh…it was a surprise.

  Here’s a tip.  Newlyweds tend to undress in the dark.  If you are in a pitch black room, it’s fairly difficult to tell the interior tip of a condom from the exterior tip of a condom.  Failing to grasp this concept, I put a healthy dollop of the Lidocaine gel on the tip and laid it upon the bedside nightstand.  When the moment arrived, I popped that puppy into place and went to work.

Nothing will end a sexy moment quite like having a very puzzled woman scream, “MY PUSSY IS ASLEEP!!!”

  My beloved bride seemed pleased with my masculine attention for all of about 10 seconds.  She froze in mid-thrust.  Nothing will end a sexy moment quite like having a very puzzled woman scream, “MY PUSSY IS ASLEEP!!!” into your ear.  Being a nurse, she concluded that she must be having a stroke at 21 years old… as every inch of her vagina had become numb to all sensation.

  The situation might have been salvageable…up until she pushed me back.  This action, albeit unplanned, resulted in the medicated condom rubbing against the labia and clit.  Now, they went numb.  Fear changed to hysterics in a heartbeat.  My new bride was now in tears and sure that a stroke had occurred and robbed her of a sex life as a married woman.

  All the while with me sitting quietly on the bed with a fully sensitized erection….Oooops.

  Being a concerned (and guilty as hell) husband, I explained the situation to her in a calm voice to reduce the hysterics.  It was then that I learned that hysterical crying can shift to homicidal anger within the space of a heartbeat of each other….all while in the shelter of your arms.  The emotionally-distraught bride changed to Mrs. Wolfman with a cry of “You did what????”  Having Mrs. Wolfman in your arms is a bad thing…especially when she has claws and no sense of humor.  Whereas she wouldn’t intentionally harm me, I made the mistake of holding her tightly when she didn’t want to be held.  Dumb, dumb, dumb…I looked like someone who had attempted to give a pissed-off jaguar a bath.  Furthermore, she proceeded to tell me colorful things about my family that strained even my vivid imagination.

  Scraped and dinged, I laid out my earlier ‘plan’ while explaining that her numb genitals would recover shortly.  I should have known something was amiss when she smiled and quietly said, “Really?”  Being in a rush to better my situation, I held out the tube of gel while explaining the ‘brainstorm’.  She took the tube from me, upended it, and liberally dosed the tip of my still pronounced erection.  

Lessons learned:

1) Never try dumb stuff without telling your wife first.

2) Numb genitals do not improve your sex life….for several weeks.

3) The sensation of orgasm is essential for a 21 year old male’s very numb erection to deflate.  (It took 3 painful hours of waiting for the damned thing to go down.)