My wife and I are “out.”
Everyone in our life is aware of who we are, and what we do. Our friends, both Vanilla and otherwise, know. Our family knows. Our neighbors know. The people in our non-Lifestyle related business dealings know. They know in the local beer and shot joint that we hang out in, as do the folks in our regular pizza place.
They all know. We are swingers. When the mood strikes us we engage in consensual negotiated non-monogamy with other consenting adults. It’s part of who we are, and what we do… and beyond the initial curiosity when it comes up in conversation, we have yet to be judged harshly or have an awkward social situation. In fact, our experience has been quite the opposite. People have been really cool with us. They aren’t vilifying or avoiding my wife and me, many are actually seeking out our company.
Whenever I see people indulge in paranoia I become equally saddened and amused. It’s not that there aren’t events, ideologies, or animations that don’t warrant legitimate concern; it is more that these states of affair become more inconsequential as they are muddled with frivolous apprehension. Rather than acquiesce to perspective and employ reasonable consideration, many Americans have become willing participants in the culture of fear.
Our collective focus has become blurred by unwarranted phobias. It has actually become glamorous to be a victim. So Americans feign apprehension, invent imaginary demons, and portray ourselves as potential martyrs for attention. Pathetic.
However, those of us in the Lifestyle tend to view ourselves in an entirely different light. You would think that those of us who have been able to shed the dogmatic predispositions of Vanilla relationships and have evolved our sensibilities enough to traverse jealousy to the point where we can negotiate extramarital intimacy would be intellectually above such petty misgivings.
You would think.
Many swingers have come to reinvent paranoia and self-victimization in the form of an imaginary witch-hunt. While there are many in the Lifestyle who live in religiously intolerant climates, who hold positions in their communities or have occupations that would make public knowledge of their private lives a detriment, there are many more who inflate potential reactions and fabricate circumstances so as to appear more glamorous than they are. The male half of the couple who first exposed my wife and myself to the lifestyle is in elected public office. With the present sociopolitical climate, I understand why he can’t be forthcoming about his private life. I get it. But few have his circumstance.
Richard Woods and his wife are loud and proud about their lifestyle.
The now infamous “Oprah Scare” (when the daytime talk queen dared speak of our “secret society”) caused unreasonable angst throughout the swinger community and made many people react irrationally to an imaginary enemy. Droves of swingers imagined that they were the potential victims of a neighborhood inquisition and that their local pastor would peruse whatever website they were on and tell their Mommy and Daddy on them. Ugh. Swingers like to pretend we are like the Cosa Nostra, and that people should only be vaguely aware of our existence. We are under the mistaken impression that we are too cool for the room.
We need to get over ourselves.
The Lifestyle term for this is “Drama Whore.” The reality is many of us who dramatize our potential exposure are doing so to draw attention to ourselves. The truth is most of us simply aren’t that important.
When swingers unwarrantedly engage in such paranoid martyrdom, the perception they are creating is that they are ashamed of who we are, and what we do. When swingers operate from the premise of shame, we legitimize their bigoted perceptions. As a community we are allowing sexual repression inherent in the Vanilla world around us a way to express itself. We are teaching them how to react to us.
Perhaps it’s a NYC thing, but if people are under the impression that you are unapologetic about your lifestyle, they tend to be less judgmental. If your circumstance allows, try our approach and forge ahead with this attitude: This is our life, our marriage, and if you have a problem with us, feel free to order yourself a nice tall frosty mug of Go Fuck Yourself juice.
You’ll be surprised how many would rather have a beer with you instead.
