Jocks and cheerleaders, they are such a clique. Those kids in student government, wow, what a clique. The yearbook staff, the band, the debate team, the chess club, skateboarders, EMOs… what cliques those are!
We’re now years past high school, yet fingers point at groups of friends in the lifestyle as people say, “That’s such a clique.”
But really, is that a bad thing?
A clique is simply a group of people who have formed friendships around a common interest. And we see this all the time in the lifestyle; cliques of people who enjoy skiing, playing poker, scuba diving, rolling, body building, dancing, bowling, cooking, wine tasting, BDSM, pony play, politics, music, clubbing, shopping, climbing, biking, camping, sailing, etc. There are cliques focused around almost every interest imaginable. It’s natural for people to form friendships with others who share their passions and interests.
In fact, you are probably in a clique right now, and just haven’t thought of the label that way. Imagine your group of friends in the lifestyle, and how you might be perceived by people who aren’t in your group – they probably call you a clique. And that’s okay… because you are!
However, there can be ugly dynamics.
The word “exclusive” is often applied to cliques; and appropriately so. After all, if you see a fun group that is all about scuba diving, but you don’t know anything about diving and really don’t care to learn, then you don’t have anything in common and thus don’t fit in.
Where this gets ugly is when a group incorporates defense mechanisms. Always born out of insecurity, these attitudes and rituals serve to maintain group discipline, conform members to an expected norm of behavior, and maintain a perceived external pecking order relative to other groups. There is always one person, the gatekeeper, who is the standard bearer that filters down to other members of the clique. This group preens the most, and appears extremely attractive to those outside of it. Internally it is filled with drama.
Add insecurity. Countless stories make the rounds of people who, while attending the same party or staying at the same resort, don’t even get eye contact, let alone a response, when someone just gives a friendly “hi” as they pass on a sidewalk. Their eyes never focus and body language never changes… it’s as if you didn’t even exist. Wow, that hurts. But put yourself in their shoes, they are so terrified of violating group expectations and being disciplined, that they can’t even be nice to someone. It sucks to be them, regardless of how it looks from the outside.
Good news.
Ultimately these groups fracture and split. They progressively become so exclusionary that they cease to be part of the community at all; avoiding parties and events where others might encroach their space. Drama builds, and members with more confidence and self esteem break standards by crossing over and partying with non-members or joining other cliques because they like to ski, dance, cook, or do other things that are not part of the preening group. This causes erratic behavior in the group’s gatekeeper, and eventually results in the disintegration or minimalization of the group.
Better News.
Regardless, who cares? Seriously. We all strive to be accepted, so it can hurt when we don’t get included in a group that we’re attracted to… even when we really don’t have much in common with them. Sit back and laugh at that for a moment. Now relax, because it just flat out isn’t important.
Are you in a clique?
No? Why not? Isn’t there anything you’re passionate about in life? If not, then find something – friendships and groups of friends (aka cliques) are almost always based on a common interest. Try a sport, a hobby, or an interest that entices you. Take the plunge, get involved in something and you’ll be part of a clique in no time!
Passionate about something, but haven’t found a group of friends to share it with? Easy, start a Kasidie Community. You’ll be amazed how many people share your interests and would love to get together.
And cross over. Just as there were jocks in student government, and yearbook staff on the debate team, so you can be part of several cliques. Drink wine one night, go skiing the next day, play poker after that. There are so many groups of friends who are loving life and living it to the fullest. Join in, and have a fantastic time!
Caveat 1 – in a clique with attitude? Being in a clique is simply about hanging out with a group of people who are similar to you in the things you enjoy. You aren’t better or worse than anyone else, so don’t act like it. Be friendly with everyone in and out of the lifestyle. If your gatekeeper doesn’t like it, then you should reevaluate your group of friends. And if you personally need status to assuage your ego, then a little introspection might help you laugh at yourself and learn to relax and enjoy life on your own terms, instead of someone else’s.
Caveat 2 – they won’t let me in! You love to ski/dance/club/whatever, but the group of people who do that simply won’t accept you into their group of friends (clique). Okay, fine, that happens. It is simply that there are other things that make up the group, which may be subtle and unspoken but are powerfully important. It could be that they are bisexual, or are full swap, and you aren’t, or perhaps they are all parents and you aren’t, or they are a similar age or have a common educational, political or social background that’s different than yours. Don’t sweat it, they aren’t saying “we don’t like you,” because in fact individual members might like you a lot and will be very friendly at parties and other lifestyle social functions. They are just saying, even if not verbally, that “our group is based upon more than the stated interest of skiing/dancing/clubbing/etc and you just don’t quite fit in with it.” Okay, fine. Relax and simply start your own Kasidie Community to find others who share your interests (which may well be joined by members of the other group!)
